I’m Tired of Being ‘On’

No one talks about this part. You are ON for hours. Your face is expressive. Your tone is upbeat. Your reinforcement is enthusiastic. Your body language is inviting. Even if you didn’t sleep well. Even if your back hurts. Even if you’re stressed about bills. You cannot show it. Because if your energy drops, engagement drops. If engagement drops, behaviors increase. It’s exhausting being regulated for someone else all day. Holding calm while someone screams. Keeping your voice steady while being hit. And then you go home and you have nothing left. I love the kids. I do. But the emotional labor is real.

Sometimes I just want to sit in silence after session and not talk to another human. I don’t think people outside the field understand that. My partner is like "I haven't seen you all day, let's talk". Nope I can't the tank is empty.